le sigh

I just got an email from Clay telling me that he's gotten involved with someone in Japan. I don't know what to make of this. I feel like I should be happy, but while I'm not devastated, hearing this kind of sucks. To be honest, I can't say I really feel too much toward him beyond care in a platonic sense. I mean, yeah, he still means a lot to me, but I don't necessarily want to be with him. I haven't even thought about him much lately. Nonetheless, I must admit that I was rather affected by this news.

it got me to thinking about our history together, especially what transpired when we last saw each other. I do feel a little bad because I think I was slowly distancing myself from him. I started resenting him after our trip to Portland this winter and everything he told me... But anywho, hearing this news was not exactly exciting for me. I know it's only fair and that we both discussed the inevitable and that I should be happy for him. I am as long as she's good to and for him, but beyond that, I really don't care to know anything else. I don't care to know how they met, who she is, what he sees in her, etc. Yet I can't help but wonder how I compare to her or if he still feels the same way about me. Hell, I was amazed to find myself wishing not to know at all.

to add on to things, coincidently the past few days, I've been seriously thinking about my relationship with Chris and where I stand on that. I've been doing a lot of back-&-forth decision making as to what I should do. As a result, I've kind of distanced myself from him. I think he's noticed since he's mentioned something, but I don't really know what to do or what to say to him because whatever I'm feeling, only I can fix. He's not necessarily doing or not doing anything to make things worse or better; I'm just questioning my own feelings. So it's a lot for me to take in when I'm having my own doubts with my current relationship and amidst that, I get word from a past romance about his new relationship. All of this and how I'm feeling about everything right now makes me feel selfish and unfair, ugh! What is it about past romances that keep us forever connected even if the spark is completely gone? And what makes it so hard to ever completely sever that bond? le sigh