harumph harumph harumph!

I'm feeling very bitter right now, but I'm trying not to. The reason behind this bitterness is because I am sooo not looking forward to tomorrow... Another co-worker at Starbucks has fallen ill and so they've called me in on emergency. What sucks even more is that it's for an opening shift. You gotta be fucking kidding me! That's the second open I've had to cover this week. So my Friday will pan out as such:

500a-1015a: Starbucks
1030a-130p: school
130p-330p: do a hearing screening on my dad for lab
400p-500p: work other job
600p-whenever: attend a funeral

and then of course, I start brooding on all this. I start kicking myself for agreeing to such things. And then I think that I'm selfish and whining because there are people who do more and accomplish more, on top of me shamefully not being completely financially independent. But then I begin to think that I do work hard and I do things for other people and it just goes unnoticed and unappreciated, so I'm telling myself, "fuck this noise!"

this internal argument goes on and on: should I stick to my obligations and resent people even though it's not their fault? Or should I take a rain check and hope that they'll understand and let me reschedule? But then when else would be a good time because I have all this other shit going on and then it's square one all over again. BAH!

all I want to do is get caught up with myself before I get caught up with everything and everyone else, but the absolute last thing I ever want to do is make my friends feel like I'm taking them for granted. Lately, I've just been asking myself when I can actually go home, take a 5 minute breather, and get some of my own shit done without obligations in my way? When can I finally sit myself down and start working on fucking grad school applications?!?! That's what worries me the most...

and then I start negotiating: ok, well, work is last priority so maybe I can ask someone to cover for me this weekend. Oh but wait, I was a fucking idiot earlier this week and got my car towed so I have this fatty ticket and fee that I gotta pay... Well damn.